The past 14 months or so have been a bit of strain. I discovered a few unhappy truths about myself, and allowed myself to fall into the shadow of a dream. Even after much soul-searching and reflection, I find that I am still "at a crossroads," wracked with indecision, unable to determine the right way forward, incapable of going back.
I was asked if I was in the grip of a depression. I cannot honestly answer yea or nay, as every day is the same, a feeling that I cannot distinguish from any other day for as long as I can remember. There are moments of great joy as well as great sadness, but mostly the days are simply marked by the changes in the weather. I have rarely ever felt in control of any facet of my life.
One major truth that I have finally allowed to sink in is my inability to turn people away. I simply must make everyone else happy---do what they want, say what they expect, help them, coach them, encourage them, allow them their freedom. My own happiness appears to stem simply from the happiness I help create in others. A deep-seated feeling within my soul whispers to me that this is just not normal, and that I must change. I have lost my sense of importance, having spent so much time helping everyone else be more important. I have rarely ever been a priority to myself, and perhaps have lost myself along the way.
I often feel as though I do not know the real me. There are things that I like, things I would like to do. But too many of these things seem to point back toward my need to please people. Many of my so-called goals, many of the plans I make, are set with the idea that the completion of my goals/plans would be of great benefit and happiness to those along for the ride. When I begin to think of the things I had wanted to do, wanted to be, in my younger days, ideas that had helped me break free from a cumbersome situation, I am filled with a heartbreaking sense of sadness. Why did I let these things go? Returning to those idea and goals, however, would overturn everything I have now, people I truly love.
How can I change the patterns of a lifetime without adversely affecting those closest to me? Everything indicates that dramatic change would herald a new dawn for me, but at great expense. There seems no easy answer, and so I find myself perpetually lost at sea; a thought not so much comforting but comfortable: today is as yesterday was and what I expect tomorrow to be.
I was asked if I was in the grip of a depression. I cannot honestly answer yea or nay, as every day is the same, a feeling that I cannot distinguish from any other day for as long as I can remember. There are moments of great joy as well as great sadness, but mostly the days are simply marked by the changes in the weather. I have rarely ever felt in control of any facet of my life.
One major truth that I have finally allowed to sink in is my inability to turn people away. I simply must make everyone else happy---do what they want, say what they expect, help them, coach them, encourage them, allow them their freedom. My own happiness appears to stem simply from the happiness I help create in others. A deep-seated feeling within my soul whispers to me that this is just not normal, and that I must change. I have lost my sense of importance, having spent so much time helping everyone else be more important. I have rarely ever been a priority to myself, and perhaps have lost myself along the way.
I often feel as though I do not know the real me. There are things that I like, things I would like to do. But too many of these things seem to point back toward my need to please people. Many of my so-called goals, many of the plans I make, are set with the idea that the completion of my goals/plans would be of great benefit and happiness to those along for the ride. When I begin to think of the things I had wanted to do, wanted to be, in my younger days, ideas that had helped me break free from a cumbersome situation, I am filled with a heartbreaking sense of sadness. Why did I let these things go? Returning to those idea and goals, however, would overturn everything I have now, people I truly love.
How can I change the patterns of a lifetime without adversely affecting those closest to me? Everything indicates that dramatic change would herald a new dawn for me, but at great expense. There seems no easy answer, and so I find myself perpetually lost at sea; a thought not so much comforting but comfortable: today is as yesterday was and what I expect tomorrow to be.
