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  • If I could turn back time

    I am a huge fan of Mr. Benjamin Franklin. Holy cow, what a guy, don't get me started, etc.

    I toss around a quote attributed to him, because I find that these days it's so very apropos:

    The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either.

    If he did nothing else in his life, he would still be my hero, just for having uttered those words and in that order.

    Days of Our Lives

    And so time marches on, and I am not yet employed. It's really frustrating. I took about 12 years off to raise my family and then finish my college degree. I felt like it was the right thing to do for my family then, and still do. It has become a big problem, however, because not having a steady work record for a long period of time, no matter the reason, looks a lot like instability to an employer.

    And so I'll be looking for less-conventional work this week. Since these jobs usually pay less than the jobs for which I'm qualified, they'll have to be very local. Gas prices are outrageous to begin with, but since there is an unusual shortage of petrol here in the Great State of Georgia, it's hit-or-miss with the fill-ups. To be caught without gas in the tank would be a nightmare, but storing it is out of the question. I have enough problems as it is; I don't need a fire.

    If anyone has any ideas that would not reflect badly upon me or Mister's clearance, please feel free to offer up your suggestions.

    You think I'm funny? Well, do ya?

    Your result for The 3 Variable Funny Test...

    the Wit

    (57% dark, 35% spontaneous, 32% vulgar)

    your humor style:

    You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

    I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

    Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

    You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
    talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

    PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

    Okay, but here's what I don't understand:

    If I'm so damn witty, and frat-boy humour doesn't make me laugh, then why do I howl with laughter during The Nutty Professor when the Klump family is assembled for dinner and they're all farting and burping? And don't get me started over that part in The 'Burbs when Bruce Dern falls off the roof of that house! Priceless!

    Oh, and I don't particularly care much for Woody Allen's brand of humour, although I did enjoy that one recent flick of his that he made with Tracey Ulman, although she really is what made that movie awesome. Also, I did not enjoy The Office, either the original or the American version. Sorry.

    I'm so conflicted.


    That was last week. I took the test again, just now, and these are my new results:

    Your result for The 3 Variable Funny Test...

    the Shock Jock

    (52% dark, 46% spontaneous, 53% vulgar)

    your humor style:

    Your sense of humor is off-the-cuff and kind of gross. Is it is also sinister, cynical, and vaguely threatening to the purer folks of this world. You probably get off on that. You would cut a greasy fart, then blame it on your mom, and then just shrug when someone pointed out that she's dead.

    Yours is hands-down the most outrageous sense of humor; you like things trangressive and hardcore. It's highly likely (a) you have no limits (b) you have no scruples and (c) you have no job. Ironically, it's your type of humor that can make the biggest bucks in show business.

    PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Howard Stern - Adam Sandler - Roseanne Barr

    The 3-Variable Funny Test!

    - it rules -

    Take The 3 Variable Funny Test at HelloQuizzy


    Talk about conflict! I do have scruples, and I do have limits. And I never found Howard Stern funny. He's like live-action South Park to me, but without all the cute kids. I am inf act unemployed, but it's not like I'm not trying. Perhaps I'll retake the quiz next week and discover that in fact I have no sense of humour at all!

    Surely you can't be serious.

    I took yet another little quiz, and the results are eerily correct although the data entered was skewed.

    Here are my results:

    You Are Guinness

    You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.

    Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.

    When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well.

    But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

    I am not actually a beer drinker, and proper Guinness scares me. In taking the quiz, I substituted "wine" every time I read, "beer." The results, however, are accurate. Anyone who knew me back in my drinking days can confirm this. For those of you who met me after I gave up the sauce, well, it sucks to be you.

    Honey smoked ham and a gently chilled Italian Pinot Grigio bottled in 1996 FTW! Upon my honor, that was a most excellent evening and the best Christmas ever. Many thanks to Legz for hanging out in the kitchen with me and sharing the joy.

    One-way ticket to Hell, please--coach.

    Oh, Fark. You are so bad, and I totally failed my saving throw vs temptation. You posted a church sign generator, and I went there.

    Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, wicked Zoot!

    This is what I made:

    I borrowed the idea for this from a couple of churches around here in Augusta. I swear, they are just so very over-the-top. One is called "Christ's Sanctified Holy Church." Not just holy, not just sanctified, but both holy and sanctified, because just one isn't enough for them. Oh, no. They get double the Jesus, kindof like a two-for-one, a biblical BOGO, if you will. The other is "Church of the Holy Comforter." I get this image of an oversize, super-fluffy duvet just floating around, waiting to snuggle some poor sap who's having a bad day.

    It makes me laugh, although it's a rather rude laugh, but a laugh nonetheless, whenever I'm feeling a little blue. Which lately is more often than not.

    Actually, as churches go, that "holy comforter" image is a religion I could get into! Is it possible I'm salvageable? Only if I can sleep in on weekends, and come in for sermons whenever I feel like it, and the preacher has a mute button.


    That was me, stuttering in 'pirate.'

    Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day.

    So get yer land-lubbing flap a-yapping, you scurvy knave!

    I'll take "Things I've forgotten to mention" for $200

    For President's Day, we took a whirlwind tour of Washington, DC. The other part was published sometime back in February, near the end of the month. Here is a little bit more on that:

    I forgot to mention that on Day 1, we also walked by the J Edgar Hoover FBI building. I explained its importance in the television industry in relation to one of my favorite series, X-Files (I've seen every episode at least once, including the horrid one they won't show on regular TV). They were so interested. :/

    Also forgotten was the ginormous Mason's building. It was quite excellent actually, although I must admit I thought it sort of looked a bit like a penis. Imagine that--a bunch of guys, in the construction business, and their headquarters is penis-shaped. Whooda thunkit?

    Food for thought

    Maturity is often more absurd than youth and very frequently is most unjust to youth.
    -Thomas A. Edison
    What is an adult? A child blown up by age.
    -Simone de Beauvoir

    Grown up, and that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another.

    'Tis the season (to eat hot wings)

    [American] Football Season is upon us. Let us rejoice!

    Oh, come! All ye faithful!
    To eat and get drunk!
    Oh, come ye, oh, come ye to the stadium;
    Come and behold him
    QB of my fav'rite team!
    Oh, come, let us adore him,
    Oh, come, let us adore him,
    Oh, come, let us adore him,
    Christ, what's the score?

    I have been a life-long fan of the Dallas Cowboys. I've never been a rabid fan, keeping stats in my head like a chartered accountant. I don't watch the pre-season games; in fact, I don't normally watch the regular-season games. I don't even know the theme song to Monday Night Football or the names of regular commentators unless they're uber-hawt (Howie Long) or really fuddy (John Madden).

    I'm just a fan. I like the competition and sometimes the guys look really nice in those tight pants. I also like to throw a party, and it's a great way to show off my Hostess with the Mostess mad skilz.

    I do, however, thoroughly enjoy the rabid fans. Those freaks who paint their bellies and then sit through the snow for 4 hours cheering endlessly for their [losing] team; the guys who seriously bunch their panties in the presence of The Enemy; the drunks in the Dawg Pound. Great entertainment!

    For fun today, I read a blog about Cowboys QB Tony Romo and his rescue of an elderly couple with a flat tire. The blog was nice, a bit gushy, and suggested that Tom Brady had better watch out or Romo was going to steal his "Nicest Guy in the NFL" award.

    The comments below the blog, however, were priceless. Almost instantly, a few attacked the Cowboys, and particularly "Tony Homo." The bitch-slapping commenced. After one particularly snotty anti-Cowboys rant, this rejoinder was posted:

    "Hey [name redacted]- do you think that anyone in the Cowboy organization gives a f*** what you think- you queer piece of cheese butt, funky smelling toe jam faced ugly bastard. I hope that you realize that 100 men canot have sex with your girlfriend when your girlfriend is your right hand. I bet you think that Jeremy Shockey has a pretty mouth."

    I swear, I think that's going to become part of my own personal repertoire of smart-assery. I'll editing it for grammattery, and will have to practice it so I can say it without giggling. I'll also leaving out "queer," because that's just not PC.

    I have also learned today that The Haters look down on Cowboys fans as "Romo-sexuals." I has a label! Woot!

    The Fiery Chasm

    Oh, Augusta. How do I love thee?

    Well, the truth is, I don't. You're a muddled, unattractive town that appears to have been left for dead after the CSA surrendered. May I live a thousand years and never see another town like you.

    Why the hate? Well, today I took a wrong turn. Actually, it should have been the right turn. However, a 30-minute trip home ended up taking an hour and a half and I ended up in South Carolina before I could come close to figuring out what street I was on.

    I turned down Milledgeville and then turned neither left nor right for quite some time, but somehow ended up not on Milledgeville but on MLK Blvd, James Brown Blvd, and Twiggs Street. Turning left onto a side street brought me to another Twiggs Street. Turning right onto a spur brought me to a third Twiggs street. Turning left off that Twiggs Street brought me to Laney-Walker, which took me to James Brown and then all of a sudden I was crossing the Savannah River and there was South Carolina.

    Hardly encouraging. Worse, I drove through neighborhoods that reminded me of Patterson Avenue in south Baltimore. How can the town spend so much money on so little ($7000 on a plaque to commemorate James Brown, to be placed at the "civic center") and leave these wretched hovels in their present state? I drove by a legless man in a wheelchair that looked like it was held together by duct tape. Sweet baby Jesus, it's nearly enough to turn me into a socialist!

    Even "downtown" looks a bit like crap. There are small pockets of structural rehab, but for the love of all you hold dear, do not--I repeat, do not--wander off that main strip or you're right back into slumville. How sad and pathetic.

    It's all just so damned depressing.

    attempting to find crow on which to dine

    Mister has decided I may have been a bit harsh in my judgment of Augusta, Georgia, of the United States of America, North America, Earth, Inner Solar System.

    I declared that it was impossible or nearly impossible to find free or cheap stuff to do here that was family-friendly. He pointed out that he found a free symphony presentation, which the kids enjoyed immensely, once we got their grumbly butts into the church and the band started playing.

    Yes, we were in a church. But that's not what's important right now.

    I pointed out that one free event in two months hardly qualified as "misrepresentation." Granted, there is a free monthly newspaper geared towards parents of preschoolers, but it very often does not contain one-off activities that might interest my kids, even if I forced them to do them.

    However, in fairness to Mister and his tender sensibilities, I am embarking on a quest To Discover Stuff For Kids And Teens To Do That Is Free Or Cheap In Augusta. It may be dangerous. I may not return unscathed. I may even be attacked by zombies.

    Keep in touch, and wish me luck!

    Sweaty-palm fanboy squee -edited


    I went to Dragon*Con with The Girl. She got to do stuff she wanted, and even enjoyed one thing I wanted, although most of the stuff we did appealed more to her taste than mine. How could it be otherwise? We went for her benefit--this time. Given the chance, I would have spent most of the time in Trek Trak, Dr. Who, LOTR and so on. Here's how it went down (pics to be posted later) :


    -Arrived, registered, was asked if my name really was "So." Twice.
    -Wandered around a bit until we discovered that Sean Astin was in the middle of a Q&A. !!
    -Wandered some more until time for the Voice-Over Actors Q&A, Vic Mignogna and Clay Croker and some other guy I don't remember.
    -Wandered the Walk of Fame for autographs/photos/fanboy freak-outs
    -------Vic Mignogna signed The Girl's Chinese parasol and let her take his picture (sorry for blinding you!)
    -------I saw Robert Llewellyn, Mickey Dolenz, Robert Englund, and George Tekai (lines too long or too expensive for me to partake)
    -Finished with some souvenir shopping. Spent too much money, but Mister got 3 old comics to fill in the blanks, The Boy got a Nintendo-brand t-shirt, and The Baby got a cute cuddly that blows kisses when you squeeze its belly.


    -Gaia. Do I really need to say more?
    -------Developer DJ something gave The Girl an autographed card with his personal avatar on it.
    -Wandered a different vending zone.
    -------Found Troll & Toad, my favorite gaming-supply website
    ------------>I gagged so dramatically when offered a look at the 4.0 Player's Handbook, the dealer gave me a free Dragonlance book. Bought 2 DM screens and a fuzzy D12.
    -Turned the corner and found myself standing face-to-face with Margaret Weis, co-author of my new Dragonlance book and a slew of novels including the series I'm currently reading, co-creator of the Dragonlance series.
    -------Discovered I was having trouble breathing.
    -------Gushingly confessed to having played the game for 20 years.
    -------Declared that series to be the best ever produced for the brand.
    -------Got the book autographed.
    -------And nearly passed out.
    -Found a book dealer in possession of a volume missing from The Girl's anime collection.

    End of event. A++++++ will attend again!!!!1eleventy!!

    If George Strait had been there, I would have imploded. Except he's not exactly the sci-fi/manga type and would fit in about as well as Jeffrey Ross would at a charm school.

    EDIT: next year, we're all going, and we'll all be in costume. Originally, I was just going to put together a Ren-Fest type costume, like a corsetted pirate or a bar wench. But now I've decided I"m going to go as Domo-kun, if I can work out the finer details, like how to make the costume.

    Your ego--is it 'check in' or 'carry on'?

    This past weekend, I was in the presence of a hundred or few celebrities both major and minor who adore their fans so much, they even hug them if the fan isn't too smelly or strange.

    Today, however, I was reminded of the other sort of celebrity: the one who thinks he's all that and a bag of chips, but in fact is not.

    Check this out:

    Pete Doherty breaks down in tears at airport

    Rocker weeps after missing flight to Austria

    Monday, 1 September 2008

    Pete Doherty was so upset when his hat got creased at an airport that he started crying.

    The Babyshambles frontman, 29, was due to fly to Salzburg, Austria, to play a gig last weekend.

    ‘I informed British Airways of my late arrival,’ he explains. 'I told them I was a kind of minor celebrity and I might get a bit of hassle at the airport.

    'Turns out they are complete arseholes. Even when I fell over and badly creased my hat, I had no assistance.'

    And Pete admits he was so frustrated he started to blub.

    ‘I was crying but I didn't want them to see,' he tells the Sunday Mirror.

    'A cynic might say I missed the plane, an honest man might say I went to the airport a little late.’

    Alison Adey
    I underlined the poncy git-boy bit. I mean, what a turd bag. He could only have managed to be more full of himself if he'd been wearing that t-shirt that says, "I'm kindof a big deal."

    Someone please slap the self-importance out of this idiot. And remind me to never listen to his music.

    And a cynic doesn't say you missed the plane, jackass. Reality says you missed the plane. Get your lazy, self-involved arse out of bed an hour earlier like the rest of us. Jesus-Mary-and-Joseph! Get a life already!

    PS: I underlined the really stupid stuff he said. Otherwise, Ms Adey did an excellent job of reporting this nonsense.

    Open Letter

    Dear Atlanta:

    I sort of had a lovely time in your lovely city this weekend. The part I didn't like wasn't your fault, so please don't take that personally. I'll be contacting the corporate office for the hotel to settle that issue.

    Your Marta trains are quite nice. They were clean and the riders were polite and kept to themselves. The schedules were easy to follow, and the free daily parking at certain prime locations was a marvelous discovery. I did not get to experience the bus line; perhaps next time I will.

    Your citizens are also very nice. From the over-dressed hotel employees (nice tuxedos, Ritz-Carlton!) to the wandering homeless, everyone was polite and/or helpful. The city was filled with delightful restaurants, cafes, and shops.

    I am curious about one thing, however. Is there a regulation or law in place that prevents grocery stores from being seen from a main driving route? I was certain that if I drove around areas that appeared residential, I'd find something like a Kroger's, or even just a little Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, I did not. Perhaps it's just me, which is quite likely. I did not have a "navigator" during that hour and thirty minutes I drove around northern Atlanta trying to locate even one storefront whose words in English--no hablo Espanol--indicated the facility catered to the hungry D-I-Y cooks.

    Thank you again, Atlanta, for a delightful outting. Please consider opening a few grocery stores.

    Warm regards,