• E-mail me!
  • Thought for today brought to you by Bwa Ha Ha.

    A little juvenile, I know, but sometimes low-brow humor is just the thing.

    So consider last night's algebra class. We were talking about logarithmic equations, and asymtotes and half-assemtotes. Or however assymtote is spelled. Either way, you gotta be real tired and only half-listening to someone going on and on about logarithms. 'Cause they're just so exciting, you know?

    Then today, I read this on BBCnews:

    • Nasa chief Mike Griffin says shuttle astronauts will be sent to service the Hubble Space Telescope.
    Yeah, I laughed. You did too, it's okay to admit it.

    Have a happy, sunshiney Hallowe'en!

    Bill Clinton's Other Lewinsky

    Just a quick note from me. I want you all to read this. It's a bit long-winded, hence my brevity.

    With kids in school, this article hit home like a safe dropping on my head. I was forced to recall the uncountable number of times I warned the kids about certain toys, behaviors, statements or actions that "might get you expelled because of Zero Tolerance!"

    I hate it.

    Consider this: I have to worry about whether my child takes the house key on a linked chain less than one inch long. Apparently, that's dangerous! However, I don't have to worry if I send that same house key on any type of roped lanyard, despite the obvious choking hazard (accidental or otherwise).

    The concept of zero tolerance is turning our nation's children into fearful paranoids who may constantly worry they'll be kicked out of school or lose their scholarship over literally any thing. Our children are growing up learning to fear so-called authority, from school administration to the police, and are losing faith in the courts.

    I used to believe that as long as you were honest, and did your best to follow the law (no matter how stupid it may be), your Personal Integrity would pull you through. Now, my advice is to keep your head down, your eyes and ears closed, and your mouth shut.


    Mass Kicks Ass

    Sometimes you just gotta love those freaks from Massachusetts. You remember them: the Boston Tea Party people.

    • "Damn, they're taxing us to death!" /sips tea
    • "We need to show those evil Tory bastards we won't be taxed into poverty!" /sips tea
    • "But how? I mean, all we've got is this harbor and some boats filled with the main ingredient of our most beloved beverage in the whole world which takes the skank out of our water thus making it palatable." /sips tea
    • "What if we just throw it all into the harbor?" /sips tea
    • "OOOH, you mean just like in Monty Python, where they want to toss the witch in to see if she'll float?" /sips tea
    • "Oh yeah! That'll show those Tory plonks we mean business! Now, let's all dress like Red Indians, so they won't know it's us!" /sips tea

    That particular Tea Tossing got Massachusetts put on the world map of Agitators. And they liked it so much, they constantly search for new, better ways to kick the big guys in the nutz.

    Most recent agitations began in the 1980's when they decided to allow Michael Dukakis to run for President. This threw open the doors to their prison operations, and highlighted the national problem of allowing prisoners to 'furlough' unsupervised. Next came national Outrage, and then came national Reforms. Woo hoo! Go Mass!

    Then they decided to tackle this whole Gays Have Civil Rights Too, You Know issue. No straight applauded their efforts to allow gays to marry louder than me. Everyone has the right to be happy, and since no one could say precisely who would be injured by allowing gays to marry, except perhaps God, who isn't really here, but just sortof there, then I didn't see the problem. Unfortunately, this one really didn't go so well. As an issue, it certainly got people's panties in a bunch. It's just unfortunate that the Ultra-Conservative Power of The Clench is much stronger than the power of the Shiny Happy People Holding Hands group. You tried, Mass, but sometimes you just can't break The Clench.

    Now, Mass is bustin' out the can of whoopass again with this new idea: by converting their state lottery/gambling programs over to IP (that's the intertubes, man!) they may be directly challenging the latest shame to come out of our Grand Master Congress since The War On Terror. (Okay, so not really, but people who can use their imagination, eg Not Politicians, can easily see that Mass will soon be just a stone's throw away from serving up a pair to the Massah!)

    (You know, I gotta tell you, when they came up with the name "War on Terror," I seriously thought they'd put a stop to horror movies and Will Ferrell, too, but that's just me.)

    There is a silly piece of civil-rights-degrading legislation that was tacked on the port security bill that essentially says Americans cannot play poker online for money, and that any company that takes money from Americans, whether that American is actually on American soil or is perhaps somewhere else on the planet, like Nova Scotia or Tongo, that company's employees/founders will be subject to arrest if they ever try to visit America.

    Well, that's no problem. There's a ton of other places way more interesting than here to visit. Hell, even medical care is cheaper in Brazil, so why bother?

    The point is, Massachusetts stands up for the Civil Rights of Americans like no one else. Here's to you, Mass: you totally rock!

    Well, at least you can Electric Boogaloo without spilling your tea.

    If you've got your own tag on Fark, you are The. Coolest. Ever!

    Okay, I'm a late-bloomer in the Wil Wheaton fanclub.

    I enjoyed his work on TNG. Of course I liked Stand By Me. I wish I'd seen more of him, but we moved to England for a while, and I lost track. Okay, I simply forgot he existed except whenever I brought up how much my now-punk younger sister absolutely adored Debbie Gibson, NKOTB, and Wil Wheaton.

    Checking out imdb tells me I need to get on with the catching up.

    He's also a pretty cool writer. His blog is always worth the visit, and I'm buying myself a copy of his first book for Christmas. He's also got me rethinking my DnD days, and whether my kids will get into it the way they went for the Yugi-Oh crap. I think we'll start with Munchkin, a game that seemingly everybody's played except us ('cause we're dorks, not geeks), and see where that goes.

    Why am I going on and on about Wil Wheaton? Because he's got his own tag on Fark. That so totally rocks, I'm completely freaked out about it.

    Absolute respect for Crusher! I mean, Florida's got their own tag, but it's never a good thing when Florida's on Fark. A Wheaton tag, on the other hand, is the pinacle of respect. That's better than winning the photoshop and not using the Mosher Girl.


    You're about as useful as a poopy-flavored lolly-pop!

    Check this.

    Just about as funny as it gets. I mean, there is no mistaking the resemblance. It's an absolute riot factory of joy that only gets better as the article wears on. The 'quote' by the lawyers is just priceless:

    "My client is tired of being the butt of jokes about his sexuality," said Mr. Cruise' attorney Marvin Keister. "The Mission Insertable butt plug is offensive not only on its face but also in its subversion of an orifice that Scientologists believe is next to godliness."

    This is The Best comedy in print I've experienced in such a long time. It was quite a let-down to discover that it was in fact just comedy.

    Thanks, Pug Bus, for the best damn laugh this side of Dodgeball!

    The "Thought for Today" has been brought to you by the letters L, S and D.

    Someone left the cake out in the rain.
    I don't think I can take it.
    It took so long to bake it.
    And I'll never have that recipe again.

    When the aliens invade, will they marvel at our turnips?

    While driving to a band competition, the discussion turned toward those turnip-shaped water towers. I pointed out that I have always wondered about these water towers, but have never been able to get my questions answered. This has been an oft-forgotten lifelong obsession of mine, actually.

    First, why put a water tower up into the air? Why not just leave the thing on the ground, where you could store even more water, with no fear of it falling over because of a natural disaster. Putting the thing on the ground also keeps Bubba and his drunk buddies from climbing up there to paint “I luv u, Bobbie Jo.”

    Second, how do they get the water up there? Mister says the water is probably pumped up, and then gravity helps it get out, but then why store the water at all? Why not just pump it as needed straight from the ground?

    Third, is a water container shaped like a turnip more efficient than one shaped like a peach(but which also resembles a very large arse on a pole)? Wondering what I'm talking about? Just drive down I-85 from here to Atlanta. Eventually, you'll drive by an area with tons of peanut stands and one ginormous water tower shaped like a peach. Except it looks like a chubby butt with a leaf on top. //hears the kids giggling about it now--"heehee! It's the big butt! heehee!"

    Obviously, conversation between the two of us is absolutely riveting. You should have been there for the Great Bearings Debate of 1994! The level of intensity was positively shocking!

    Lunch? What Pho?

    Mister calls me up the other day and tells me They are going to lunch at Pho79, would I like to partake? Absolutely, whenever you're buying -which, as you all know that since I is a po' college stoodent and Mister's Missus, is all the time.

    We are at Pho79, when the discussion of its name comes up. Why '79'? Why not 80, or 16, or 19,500?

    For the uninitiated, Pho is noodle soup in the Vietnamese style. Very lovely, mostly beef broth with a scoop of noodles about the size of a large grapefruit, the most appetizing blend of seasoning and green onion slices, with whatever meat you select. I was skeptical at first; my father was in Vietnam, and his stories of the local cuisine were more for shock value than culinary delight, and most likely severely exaggerated.

    This particular restaurant is one of a pair owned by the same family. The other is called Pho59 (or some other 50-number, it's just too early for me to think about). They have a lovely menu and I swear to God make the absolute best shrimp-filled spring rolls and beef fried eggs rolls you will ever have in America. I swears it, Precious!

    Back to the issue: why 79? I'd love to ask, but since the staff speaks English about as well as I speak Vietnamese, we're left to ponder. Come to think of it, I pretty much only know "G.I. beau coup dinky dou" which, according to my father, means something like "Army soldiers are very insane." I'd agree with that.

    Perhaps 79 was a very good year? Perhaps that's when they discovered Grey Poupon, or disproved Darwin's Theory of Evolution as scientific fact.

    What was going on in '79? Let's consult The Yearbook!

    • Skylab fell from orbit. Heads up, everyone!
    • The death penalty resurfaced without too much complaint. Public hangings still cruel, unusual. No one asked me for my opinion. I was 6, but that hardly matters.
    • "Overwhelming evidence" links smoking to cancer, heart and lung disease. And yet, the world still puffs away.
    • China invaded Vietnam. That was hardly necessary.
    • Ice clogged up the Great Lakes--has nothing to do with Cuyahoga fire.
    • Voyager 1 sends back amazing pictures of Jupiter--your tv reception still sucks.
    • Three Mile Island.
    • Iran votes to be a Muslim republic. Are you listening, Mr. Bush? Mr. Bush? Hello? //hears the wind whistling...
    • Cypriots agree to talk about reunification. O, progress! Thou art the breath of man!
    • Oil was only $20 a barrel!
    • Carter shakes up his cabinet. That was so helpful.
    • Hurricane Frederic hits the Gulf Coast; 500,000 people evacuated in a timely fashion. Nation quickly forgets why we flee impending doom.
    • It's a good year for Russian performance artists to defect to the US. Thankfully the trend doesn't catch on; mimes stay in France.
    • American Embassy in Iran overrun, hostages taken. Joseph Subic begins new career as Tour Guide for Terrorists.