The one in which I swear. No, really.

I love fall. Growing up in the North was spectacular, with the leaves of the deciduous trees changing into a riot of reds and oranges. Everywhere the breeze gets a little more noticeable and the summer heat winds down to a more tolerable level.

I just wish it would hurry the fuck up and find Georgia!

The other reason I adore fall is because the normally-occurring cooler weather causes middle-aged and post-middle-aged skanks to wear more than just a loose-fitting tank top over their droopy and often veiny cleavage. Do they even look in the mirror before leaving home? If they do, is it a circus mirror? I'm certain at the very least that they need their eyes checked, because they don't see what I see.

And that which has been seen, cannot be unseen. Ever.

Remember, ladies: the brassiere, while occasionally ill-fitting and uncomfortable, is your life-long friend. Just because you were hawt and the girls were perky in high school does not mean it's still a grand vista at 40(+).

Did you really just go there?

I have catalogued various complaints concerning the status updates of certain Facebook users on my "friends" list. Most notably was a long, poorly-worded discourse on religion, beginning with a rant against those who frequently post prayer requests and then segueing into a statement of opinion against religion in general.

Right now, I'd like to address the people who post medical issues online.

You know what? I truly am sad your loved one had to go to the ER. I'm also sad they're admitting your loved one because of his/her ailment. I really hope he/she recovers quickly, because he/she has a new job/baby/dirigible. Did I need to be told that your loved one suffered from extreme diarrhea all weekend? I may have to look him/her in the eye next week. I'd rather not have that image, thank you very much.

If people want the extreme details, why not leave it to them to contact you instead of posting it all out there? Maybe your loved one doesn't want anyone to know this stuff, and you're just charging on ahead regardless. All I'm asking is maybe you take a second look at how you announce information. Some things just don't need to be said out loud.

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On a mostly unrelated topic, am I the only person on this planet who thinks the new 3D ultrasound photos are creepy?

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A week or so ago, The Girl turned 18. In celebration, I had talked for days about "doing something big." Her plans to hang with friends had fallen through, a situation that really couldn't be helped when your peeps are big dorks and you are their leader.

On Saturday night, I announced a definite trip to a coaster park about 2 hours away. This plan had been discussed off and on for at least a week as an alternative to The Girl's other plans, so the announcement should not have been a surprise to anyone. The Boy's reaction to the news came as a complete surprise to everyone.

He was beyond cross.

He claimed we had not given him enough notice to be ready for a trip to anywhere, let alone to a coaster park. Most kids would have been overjoyed to spend the day riding roller-coasters, eating junk food, and buying souvenirs, even if it means hanging out with your dorky family. Not this kid.

So Sunday dawns and he refused to get out of bed, declaring that he just wasn't ready and that we should have been more considerate of his feelings (!). We left him home. It was just too much drama for me to legitimize it by begging and pleading.

Fast-forward to today, where I announce that on Saturday, tomorrow, he was going to get his flu shot. Holy cow! Listening to him rant and rave over a lack of advance notice, you would have thought I had just told him he had an amputation scheduled.

It is now obvious to one and all that Mr Dramapants needs more than 24-hours' notice for anything. And I thought I was a big dork.