Mass Kicks Ass

Sometimes you just gotta love those freaks from Massachusetts. You remember them: the Boston Tea Party people.

• "Damn, they're taxing us to death!" /sips tea
• "We need to show those evil Tory bastards we won't be taxed into poverty!" /sips tea
• "But how? I mean, all we've got is this harbor and some boats filled with the main ingredient of our most beloved beverage in the whole world which takes the skank out of our water thus making it palatable." /sips tea
• "What if we just throw it all into the harbor?" /sips tea
• "OOOH, you mean just like in Monty Python, where they want to toss the witch in to see if she'll float?" /sips tea
• "Oh yeah! That'll show those Tory plonks we mean business! Now, let's all dress like Red Indians, so they won't know it's us!" /sips tea

That particular Tea Tossing got Massachusetts put on the world map of Agitators. And they liked it so much, they constantly search for new, better ways to kick the big guys in the nutz.

Most recent agitations began in the 1980's when they decided to allow Michael Dukakis to run for President. This threw open the doors to their prison operations, and highlighted the national problem of allowing prisoners to 'furlough' unsupervised. Next came national Outrage, and then came national Reforms. Woo hoo! Go Mass!

Then they decided to tackle this whole Gays Have Civil Rights Too, You Know issue. No straight applauded their efforts to allow gays to marry louder than me. Everyone has the right to be happy, and since no one could say precisely who would be injured by allowing gays to marry, except perhaps God, who isn't really here, but just sortof there, then I didn't see the problem. Unfortunately, this one really didn't go so well. As an issue, it certainly got people's panties in a bunch. It's just unfortunate that the Ultra-Conservative Power of The Clench is much stronger than the power of the Shiny Happy People Holding Hands group. You tried, Mass, but sometimes you just can't break The Clench.

Now, Mass is bustin' out the can of whoopass again with this new idea: by converting their state lottery/gambling programs over to IP (that's the intertubes, man!) they may be directly challenging the latest shame to come out of our Grand Master Congress since The War On Terror. (Okay, so not really, but people who can use their imagination, eg Not Politicians, can easily see that Mass will soon be just a stone's throw away from serving up a pair to the Massah!)

(You know, I gotta tell you, when they came up with the name "War on Terror," I seriously thought they'd put a stop to horror movies and Will Ferrell, too, but that's just me.)

There is a silly piece of civil-rights-degrading legislation that was tacked on the port security bill that essentially says Americans cannot play poker online for money, and that any company that takes money from Americans, whether that American is actually on American soil or is perhaps somewhere else on the planet, like Nova Scotia or Tongo, that company's employees/founders will be subject to arrest if they ever try to visit America.

Well, that's no problem. There's a ton of other places way more interesting than here to visit. Hell, even medical care is cheaper in Brazil, so why bother?

The point is, Massachusetts stands up for the Civil Rights of Americans like no one else. Here's to you, Mass: you totally rock!

Well, at least you can Electric Boogaloo without spilling your tea.