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  • What it is

    Suppose a couple with an emotional history split and then got back together. Is she correct when she assumes that his idea to get tattoos with their names means "forever," especially when he says something along the lines of "Baby, you know we're gonna be together forever."

    If you said, "Forever means forever," then how can "forever" mean "until I say so."

    See, I'm not a guy (a situation which I'm certain makes Mister sigh with relief) so I don't know how a guy's mind works, or a guy's emotional roller coaster.

    Plus, there are different kinds of guys: laid back, protective but not smothering, insane jealous, etc. Just like a woman, it's difficult to put detail to a man's perspective, no matter what type of guy he is. Why does he do/say/think the way he does--a question as impossible to honestly answer as "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

    And what exactly does, "I just need a little space," mean? Or, "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best"? Or, "I can't put a time limit on a separation."

    I'm trying to help my friends. They have a history of mistakes, tried counseling (he blames it for "[screwing] him up even more and won't go back), split and made up. Now he says he's been "faking it" for the past X years, and he just can't do it anymore. He's told her to find an apartment nearby or "go back home," and has signed a 6-month lease on his own apartment. He won't talk to anyone, including his best friend, and even risked a formal reprimand for being "very ugly" to his OIC.

    This has all come out of nowhere and has occurred in the last 4 days. Just this past Sunday, I was over chatting with them, and I couldn't detect even a moment of tension until he mentioned he wanted to spend over $300 on a ticket to a NASCAR race, and she was shocked. I sat up until way past my bedtime listening to her tell her side of the story, and I have to agree: if he's "been faking it," he deserves an Oscar.

    I don't get it, and I'd like to help both of them as best as I can. I recommended that even if he doesn't go, she should get counseling, and that her medical plan will pay for it. I offered to kick his arse straight to the moon. I offered to take him out for a beer so that maybe he'll talk to me--we have this "love big honkin' redneck trucks" connection. I offered to keep the kids while she pours her heart out to him (she called today to take me up on that).

    What else can I say? What else can I do? I don't understand this "bottling up" thing. I mean, we all do that to a certain degree, even me. But eventually, the rational thing to do is talk it out. How can a person, who's been bottling things up, just walk? How do you just piss away a history, a connection, a family (this has damaged his relationship with his own parents, too), without at least "fighting it out"?



    Beav said...

    It sounds to me (a complete outsider with no other info) like he's feeling reined in and reacting too extremely.

    He wants to go to the race, she gets upset (understandably, to me), he sees "another instance" of her keeping him from what he wants to do. Rather than thinking, "that's part of a relationship - give and take," he wants to rid himself of that restraining influence. Somewhat like the childish running away from home 'cause Mom wouldn't let you go to that party, he's leapt far beyond the bounds of reason.

    Or, at least, that's what it sounds like to me.

    Soo Mi said...

    I kindof felt like that too, but not being a guy, I wasn't sure.